Fast Time and Fast Food

By Lynn Rebuck –

I have long admired the Amish. Recently, I learned yet one more reason to respect them: some pay no mind to daylight savings time.

A friend who used to drive for the Amish (a car, not a team of mules) told me that when arranging pickup times, the Amish would inquire whether the pickup time she stated was “fast time” or “slow time.”

Fast time is how the Amish refer to our odd practice of changing the time arbitrarily based on the calendar and someone’s bright (no pun intended) idea.

Clearly, Fast Times at Amish High has a whole different meaning than at Ridgemont High.

It seems that the cows belonging to the Amish pay no regard to the man-made ritual of time change and prefer to give their milk as previously scheduled.

This year I was reminded that the great state of Arizona also shows udder disregard (okay, pun intended that time) for the switch to daylight savings.

So why is Arizona so rebellious? Do they just like to make it difficult for airline travelers who panic about making it to their Phoenix connecting flights in time?

To complicate things even further, the Navajo Nation, which is located within the boundaries of Arizona, follows daylight saving. However, the Hopi Nation, which is surrounded by the Navajo Nation, does not.

So, if you are hoping to pick up a Hopi friend in Arizona soon after the switch to daylight savings, you’d better take extra care in coordinating schedules. It is possible that preceding predicament may wind up as a word question in a math textbook.

Hawaii doesn’t change the clock either. They are still “hanging ten” while the rest of us are hanging eleven or twelve.

So what gives these states the freedom to regulate their own time? Well, states have the right to opt out of daylight savings under the federal Uniform Time Act of 1966. They need only pass a state law to do so, as Arizona and Hawaii have done.

In 1987, an extension to daylight savings time was enacted as part of another federal bill. What was the driving force behind that change?

French fries.

Yes, you read that right.  French fries.

What’s the connection? To find out, email me at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com.

Well, it’s time for me to go change the clocks. I think I’ll set them back another hour instead of springing forward. I could use the extra sleep.

Lynn Rebuck is an award-winning Christian humor columnist, speaker, and comedian.  She was once asked to be the keynote speaker at a silent retreat. Her column/blog appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle.  For more of her humor, visit www.LynnRebuck.com, email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com, fan her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck

Jingle Bills

By Lynn Rebuck –

On the verge of a holiday spending spree and under the deadline pressure of unfinished Christmas shopping (okay, unstarted Christmas shopping is a more honest description), I write my annual Christmas column.

Please know that I will be at the mall Christmas Eve until it closes, surrounded by men who are shopping for their wives.  As the only woman shopper in the store, I will be asked numerous times for advice by these men.

My hope is that men will read this column before they go shopping, saving me time and saving them embarrassment on Christmas morning.  So here’s my advice for last-minute male shoppers:

No matter how supportive your wife is of your fishing or hunting hobby, she does not want an electronic fish that sings or a moose that dances.  No amount of justification will overcome the resentment of your purchasing season tickets to your favorite team “for her.”

Blenders are not sexy. Unless she has specifically, and in writing, directed you to purchase an appliance for her, stay out of the kitchen department.  Jewelry is a wonderful gift, but selecting it can be sometimes confusing.  There are numerous metals and stones to choose from, as well as different settings, cuts, and clasps. When in doubt, buy her the more expensive piece (ladies you can thank me later).

Do not buy her pierced earrings unless her ears are pierced.  If you have been married longer than two minutes, you should know this about her.  The item you selected is indicative of how much you know and care about her.

If you don’t know what size clothing your wife wears, don’t guess. Buy her jewelry instead.  No matter how tempting the sale may seem, do not buy a woman shoes.  Women seldom like practical gifts.  Do not, under any circumstances, buy a storm door for her, no matter how long she’s been mentioning it.

Fancy wrapping cannot cover an insincere gift (I think I read that in a fortune cookie once).  If the ink is still wet when she reads your Christmas card, you will be penalized.

Remember, before wrapping a gift remove the price tag.  A woman will not be impressed when handed an item that has been marked down several times over.  Don’t tell her how much money you saved on her present.  Tell your buddies and tell your Facebook friends, but don’t tell her.

Lynn Rebuck is an award-winning Christian humor columnist, speaker, and comedian. Check out her humor video “Two Nights Before Christmas” on her website, www.LynnRebuck.com. It’s a modern telling of the classic poem, told from a woman’s point of view.  Lynn would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment or you can email her at LynnRebuck@gmail.com. © 2010 Lynn Rebuck