Free

By Heather Allen –

Sometimes God’s words are a sweet, honey soothing balm. And other times, like tonight, they stick in my throat as I try to swallow them whole. I want a consecrated life but the dying process that leads me there, is truly killing me, my flesh at least.

My children have spent the day loved and are now tucked in blankets and prayer. I sit in the dim stillness of the midnight hour accompanied by a restless mind. I want to lay my head on the table and have a good cry, but the tears and the sleep are long in coming.

I have spent two weeks reading George Muller’s biography with my kids. And during these last two weeks there has been a financial decision my hubby and I have tried to make. Tried being the operative word. There seems to be an invisible fence hemming us in.  George Muller lived a fiscally amazing life, and he cared for thousands of orphans in the process. During his lifetime he had millions of dollars go through his hands. Yet he used the money for others, even when it was hard to buy food. The biography details how he read the Bible from cover to cover 300 times. And how he chose to be in need, giving away all excess, and waiting for God to fill the need. He was constant in prayer: asking, seeking and knocking.

I want to live like George Muller lived. He saw miracles every day. But tonight, with a mixture of frustration and fear I told God how hard it is to let go. The response back was “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” I grabbed my Bible and turned to this verse, not realizing it shows up in both the New and Old Testament.  And part of me, the part that is small and immature, wishes I had stuck with the Old Testament version. But I didn’t. I turned to Hebrews 13:5 also.

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (NIV).

Here’s the thing, I really just wanted a pat on the back and some sympathy tonight. Being content with what I have doesn’t sound so good, and what I envision buying sounds great. Yet even as I write this I am reminded that what is seen is temporal.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV).

Somewhere along the way I befriended a lie. I often trust in resources and choose what is seen. If I ever have the courage to live like George Muller I think it will feel like miles of rope being cut off of me: freedom.

See I know God does not withhold good things from me, but I live like He might. I know He loves me as a daughter and is actively pruning my life, yet sometime I live like an orphan.  I know that any no ultimately gives way to a greater yes, yet I long for the yes.

In the midst of all this, He is the God who actively rescues me from trying to be my own salvation. He sets me free.

Home

By Heather Allen-

When I reminisce about my childhood home I can practically smell the fresh baked, chocolate chip cookies. Running home from the bus, I could not wait to be at the kitchen table, even though an hour of piano practice followed. I am the quintessential homebody. I even opted out of Prom for a night relaxing with my favorite people, most of who were family members.

A few weeks ago, as I was prepping dinner, my son leaned over the discarded sweatshirt I had tossed on a kitchen chair. He sniffed unaware that I was watching him, a bemused smile on my face.  He met my smile. “This smells like you mom.” My grin widened “What do I smell like?”  “Home” he said, meeting my instantly teary eyes with a bright smile.

For over a year I have worked at wrapping my brain around Psalm 91 (NIV). Verse one says: “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

My son could not have guessed the mystery he helped unravel in his casual comment. I pulled paper and pen and began listing adjectives that describe my ideal shelter. Security, protection from the elements, peace, warmth and unconditional acceptance topped my list.

My suitcase has seen more travel & dust than I could have imagined. If I had realized my belongings would stay in boxes these many years, perhaps I would have decided to travel lighter. Like the Israelites, I too have journeyed through a wilderness and seen God move on my behalf. The places where He rescued me have become altars of praise.

My security and peace came from what was familiar; physical objects attached to warm memories. That has slowly begun to change. The Lord is becoming my shelter. And when I think that the world is His & all its fullness, I am reminded that our ownership is nothing more than an illusion.

Making the Lord my dwelling place is walking in His presence. And that is where I am safest. Nearness to Him is protection and peace. This is an appealing thought for a homebody nomad. A home away from any home, one that never requires moving. I am accepted, loved, and chosen. I will hold on to Him tightly and let my grip on the rest, go.

Waiting for the Fall

By Heather Allen –

As we prep our fall schedule I am reminded that life is swift as a current. I relish the last scents of summer as they float on the cooling breeze. New seasons somehow hold all the possibility for change and growth. This is an opportunity to glance over my shoulder, pausing to bless His name for all He has done. And although busy I will indulge the urge to sit longer recounting His ways.

Tonight I balanced the story of Jonah on my knee while scratching a small itchy back. My son, like many a child, is drawn to this story. And as I read I find myself hanging on each word. I close the book, remembering a time when the end of Jonah’s story was my story.  God is enduring, if there is a truth He wants me to learn, He will teach me in multiple ways.

Years ago my hubby and I were part of a ministry that ended in a sad, hard way.  I was disillusioned.  I had intently worked to come out of the mess clean, and I was angry that things were ending the way they were.  I believed there should be some consequences for the bad things that had gone down. Somebody needed a good hard spanking and I wanted to watch the smack down.

I looked for justice but ran head long into conviction. It started with the book of Jonah. I get Jonah. The people of Nineveh were evil and he thought there should be consequences. God wanted to offer forgiveness instead and Jonah was pretty mad about it. So he sat waiting and watching and hoping that Nineveh would still pay.

God laid that example in front of me. But I was too focused on how we might be blessed for doing right and really did not want to face my pride.  So one evening, He led me to Matthew 7:21-23 (KJV). This is a pretty scary passage: “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? And in thy name have cast out devils? And in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity”.

I dropped down on my face, a holy fear coursed through my body. I laid there for what felt like hours, and in the stillness that lingered, I knew. I was to long for salvation for those who had wounded me the way I longed for my own. It was time to pray for grace and mercy for someone else. No more sitting in the hot wind above Nineveh watching eagerly for destruction.

The years have sped along, and I still pray for those involved. The anger and hurt are gone. God alone knows tomorrow, but I will endeavor to live it free from bitterness. I breathe easier knowing my assignment here does not involve being my own defense. I step in time with Him, knowing my back and my heart are covered.

The Hand that Nailed Itself

By Heather Allen –

Yesterday my little boy swung his feet in rhythm with mine, as we dipped our toes in the cool lake water. He said “Mom you don’t talk as much as dad.” “Really?” I smiled.  “Well, did you want to talk about something?” I asked.  He looked out over the green blue water and then up at my face. “I just want to talk about how good God is mom.” He then listed how God has been good to him. And then in typical little boy mode, darted off.

But he left me smiling with my face lifted to the sky “God, You have been so good.”

The hand that nailed itself to the cross is the same hand that holds my life.  And the same love that sacrificed itself says I made a way for you. I am good and kind. I love you.  I am the way, the truth, the life, the only way to the Father (John 14:6). The only way to be reconciled is Christ Jesus. And contrary to popular lies, the Lord God and Allah are not one and the same.  The culture that worshiped Allah was pantheistic first. And then gradually their other gods were diminished leaving Allah the moon god and his partner the sun goddess. In time she also was diminished.

God sent his son to Earth to make it really clear that He alone is God. And He alone is able to save.

Apart from Christ, self-destruction is what humanity will tend toward every time. I know this is true like I know I need air to breathe.  God’s word is clear.  It is not because of the works we have done, but according to His mercy that we are saved (Titus 3:5).

I have been in a night season for so long I have forgotten what it feels like to be able to see the horizon. But when you walk in the dark you learn to trust. You see faith become something you do not just talk about, but rest in.

Isaiah 50:10 (KJV) says, “Who is among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.”

“And stay” in this verse means lean upon, support oneself on. And I love that because the uncertainty in my life has taught me to place my hope on what is certain. The process has been painful and slow, but He is the one I want to be my foundation. And so I find myself immensely grateful for this season because He is building a faith that holds.

God chose to make us. And when we rebelled and sinned, He chose to save us.  He is so good.  And like my darling little boy, I just want to talk about it.

Set Apart

By Heather Allen-

My Bible stretches across my femur and knee. The sun streams onto its pages, eyes closed and opening at the whistle of an oriole, I think about the words. The rays lighting my face are laced with confession and sorrow.

I could label myself a doomer, or possibly one set on a wall as a watchman. I am not sure it matters. I just know the urgency has not died down. I am grateful for time, restive before my maker. I hold my hand out, take His and we walk for a bit. We trace the places I have gone and the words spoken. I look at Him quizzically. What is at the root of my behavior? My head would hang if He were not grace.

Like the hemorrhaging woman who grabbed Jesus’ robe, I know He is the only way to be healed. Amazing that He dwells within. And as I am honest about my internal corruption, He heals me too.

My little guy is pretty witty, and tonight he made a particularly clever observation. He said, “Mom, the Bible says you should not drink blood and it is really rude that mosquitoes do not obey.” After my amusement died down an unpleasant reality hit, nearly every other tween to teen book at Barnes and Nobles is about vampires. Interspersed are books about fallen angels.  Do our kids know what God’s word says about these things? Do they know that Leviticus address drinking blood, or that vampires have always been entwined with demonic practices? Fallen angels are the ones who rebelled against God, and their future is hell. Can we view the occult and sin as entertainment and remain unaffected?

This is a conversation I am having, mulling over what should be apparent and different. It has been humbling. And I fear God so it has also been a bit scary. But I wonder why I cannot fill my car without the gas station playing songs that detail infidelity.  Scripture tells us to flee sexual impurity. But the songs are there, even when I grocery shop. I think we are being lulled.

There are many writers and preachers whose words litter my journal. But the unfortunate truth is I don’t get to stand before Jesus with them in tow and point stammering, “I just listened to them. No, I do not really know You, but hey I can tell You a lot of cleverly worded ideas about the Bible and what they meant to my favorite writer”.  I do not think we have the luxury of questioning everything in scripture, including hell, while accepting everything in our culture. I also do not think we have the luxury of being ignorant about what God’s word says. We may be very culturally relevant but are we holy?

There is nothing in this life that even touches the moments I have spent in God’s presence, soaking in His word. If you cannot relate to that, know this, He desires more for you. Being set apart may be lonely. You may be the only one you know who lives differently. But beloved, every step you take in denying yourself and following after Him will be well worth it.  Better to lose your life for His sake than to gain the world and lose your soul.

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