Glue Gun Control

By Lynn Rebuck

I am not good with a glue gun.

I can shoot a pistol with great accuracy at a paper target, but ask me to glue together paper from Target, and it’s a whole different story.

The glue gun is the weapon of choice for crafters worldwide, and quite frankly, I think we need stricter glue gun laws. This suggestion may upset some of you (especially members of the NGGA, the National Glue Gun Association), but hear me out. I think there needs to be a “cooling off” period before one is allowed to buy a glue gun.

Some women craft too impulsively, including me. One day, I watched Martha Stewart on television miraculously assemble an entire holiday scene in minutes with merely a glue gun and scissors. When the show ended, I excitedly dashed out the door to the craft store to buy the supplies.

Without any screening, I was able to purchase a glue gun and a holster. I bought extra sticks of sticky ammo. I turned the glue gun over in my hand and relished the power of being able to make things stick together permanently. I am now convinced there should be a 5-day waiting period on glue gun purchases and that craft stores should be required to run a background check. 

When I got home, I loaded my weapon and fired a few beady rounds. I discovered that when it comes out of the gun, the glue is hot. Very, very, hot.

When I accidentally glued together my fingers, I dropped my crafting Uzi, which was still oozing glue, onto a stack of bills. As I grabbed the gun and separated it from the bills, a web of glue stretched across the entire kitchen. My children walked into the sticky crossfire and the glue enveloped us. We immediately bonded, but it wasn’t exactly the family bonding experience I had been hoping for.

“Eww, what is all this stringy stuff?” said my daughter as she brushed aside the floating strands. “It’s just a little glue. I’m just working on a craft project,” I said. “Mom, you know you aren’t supposed to do crafts,” said my son. “You never finish any projects.” “Yeah, remember how you started crocheting my baby blanket before I was born, the one with the squares you had to assemble?” my daughter inquired. “Of course I do. It was yellow and white.” “Last year you gave me the six small squares that you finished and told me they were potholders.”

“This is different. I have a glue gun now, so I’ll finish projects the same day I start them,” I said, brandishing my glue gun in the air.

“Mom, just put the glue gun down and back away slowly so nobody gets hurt,” my son said. “I can’t,” I replied. “Why can’t you?”

“It’s glued to my hand.”

Lynn Rebuck is an award-winning humor columnist, comedian, and speaker licensed to carry a concealed glue gun. Check out her website at www.LynnRebuck.com. © 2009 Lynn Rebuck.