One Another

By Jane Thornton 

I laid the wide square of gift wrap in the middle of my bedroom floor, first mistake.  I was probably already frazzled, but I don’t remember why.  I may have left this task until the last minute.  I may have been out of pretty paper and settling for the biggest scrap in my closet.  The gift was bulky and unwieldy, and I may have been self-conscious about my lack of creating beautiful-package skills.  Some other problem may have weighed heavy on my mind.

Along came my hapless eighteen-month-old toddler.  He plopped his diapered bottom onto my previously unwrinkled gift wrap and clutched at the present, tearing away the freshly attached tape.  I, too, came unglued.  I grabbed him up by both upper arms and shrieked at him.

To shriek:  to utter a loud, shrill cry; to screech or scream.  Not attractive.  Not nurturing.  Not motherly.

That was eighteen years ago.  God has forgiven me.  My son has forgiven me.  My husband has forgiven me.  Mostly, even I have forgiven me.  But I still regret it.  At times through the years, when my growing son would become unreasonably frustrated, yelling at his little sister or at the computer, I would remind myself of the model he saw.

Many years ago, I discussed my temper tantrum with a close friend who also struggled with the frustrations of young motherhood.  We were both afraid.  We had not hit our children—yet.

We talked about getting help at church.  Our congregation loved and accepted people as scripture teaches.  “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Romans 15:7 NIV But how far would that acceptance stretch?  We’d seen the twelve step principles enacted in many ways.  Even if not in an actual support group, we could imagine:

“Hi, I’m Jane, and I’m depressed.”

“Hi, Jane.” – smiles of welcome and appreciation.

“Hi, I’m Jane, and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi, Jane.” – nods of sympathy and understanding.

“Hi, I’m Jane, and I’m single and pregnant.”

“Hi, Jane.” – tears of compassion and support.

But “Hi, I’m Jane, and I hit my baby.” -Stunned silence.

We didn’t test it.  We muddled through those early years, and God strengthened our patience, and we didn’t hit our children. But the battle was hard.  And we both had wonderful, supportive examples from our own childhood.  How could we scorn those who repeated the cycle of abuse dished out to them?  Before we encountered our own temptations, we might have.  Now we knew to live the verse, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 NIV

However willing we are to support our brothers, few Christians take each other up on the offer. Sometimes fear of judgment holds us back, like it did for my friend and me.  Other times, the pendulum swings to the opposite extreme.  We can misinterpret the command, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.”  I Thessalonians 5:11 NIV.  In Bible class I once confessed a struggle with laziness.  After the lesson, several people approached me, hugged me, patted me, and assured me that I was not lazy.  They assumed they were building me up and encouraging me, per scripture.  I needed the acceptance, the hugs, and the pats.  But I also needed someone to “consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Hebrews 10:24 NIV

As usual, the issue “hangs in the balance.”  We need to offer love and acceptance along with equal measures of accountability and support.  Let us use the words of Jesus, “Then neither do I condemn you.’  Jesus declared.  ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.’” John 8:11 NIV