Wedgie Tales

By Rhonda Rhea –

My 17 year old is the youngest of five kids. That means that he’s suffered a lot of wedgies through the years. But hey, I figure that’ll give him stories he can tell his kids. Some parents tell their children of the hardships of walking to and from school in the 12-foot snow—uphill both ways. My Daniel? He’ll be able to tell his children that he spent several years suffering through underwear with no waistbands. My friend Janet said he could call his life story, “Wedgie Tales.”

It’s a good reminder that tough situations, like waistbands, will come and go. The real question is, how will we respond? And will we allow those difficulties to defeat us or will we allow them to strengthen us? Will we rest in our Heavenly Father’s presence, seeing life from his eternal perspective? Or will we try to squirm out of those difficulties and make it through them on our own, pouting, whining, sputtering and blaming all along the way?

Stories of grace under pressure are so much more fun to pass on to our children. Those stories will even answer a lot of their questions about life and how we should live it. It will even set a pattern for them to follow. Now there’s a legacy.

In the Amplified version of 2 Corinthians 4:16-17 we read, “Therefore we do not become discouraged, utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear. Though the outer man is progressively decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being progressively renewed day after day. For our light, momentary affliction, this slight distress of the passing hour, is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory, beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!”

Waistbands? Here today, wedgied away tomorrow. But we’re to be focused on the things that are eternal—the unseen blessedness that never ceases. Verse 18 says, “Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal, brief and fleeting, but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting” (2 Corinthians 4:18, AMP).

I’m fighting the urge to mention the fact that it says that the visible things are “brief.” Yeah, I’m totally leaving that one alone. But those invisible things? According to this passage, they’re everlasting! Maybe not ever-elastic. But everlasting and completely deathless, for sure. And ultimately, in our own personal “everlasting,” every question in this life, every why we’ve ever asked, will be answered in the most satisfying, resounding eternal-amen of an answer.

Pondering our everlasting, deathless future gives us an entirely different perspective on the momentary suffering. Even though here in the present there will still be questions left temporarily hanging. Incidentally, among those unanswered questions, there’s still this one:  Would you call a person with no waistbands left a “Wedge-etarian”?

Rhonda Rhea is a radio personality, conference speaker, humor columnist and author of seven books, including High Heels in High Places and her newest book, Whatsoever Things Are Lovely: Must-Have Accessories for God’s Perfect Peace. You can find out more at www.RhondaRhea.org.

This Column Brought to You by…

By Darren Marlar –

I’ve decided that starting immediately my monthly humor column will be sponsored by the highest bidder.  And why not? Everything else in the world is sponsored to the hilt. Take a look around and you’ll find just about every area of NASCAR with some corporate entity’s logo.

And is it my imagination, or do the Olympics seem to have an “official” sponsor for every product and service on the face of the earth? “The Official Orange Juice” or “The Official Vitamin” of the U.S. Olympic Teams would actually make sense. But what’s with “The Official Soft Drink of the U.S. Olympic Teams”? Do we really need the most finely tuned athletes on the planet endorsing a consumable with no nutritional value whatsoever? Are we soon going to see “The Official Tattoo Parlor of the U.S. Gymnastics Team” and “The Official Body Piercing Supplier of the NFL?”

Now I hear that the high cost of players’ salaries is causing major league baseball to come up with some creative ways to come up with cash – including placing advertising on not just all of the walls and displays, but now on the equipment as well. Yep… bats, balls, helmets, all going to the highest bidder.

So, in an effort to help the ideas flow for baseball ownership, I’m making a few of my own suggestions of sponsor placements.

The Presbyterian Church can sponsor the umpires’ chest protectors, with the slogan, “Thou Shalt Not Steal.”

The Catcher’s Mask could easily act as an educational tool by local law enforcement. “Write a bad check, and you, too, could be looking through bars.”

Because of the obviously prime placement, the pitcher’s mound would likely have a wealthy sponsor – perhaps Applebee’s advertising their drinks with, “Our pitchers are even bigger!”

First, Second, and Third Base each sponsored by Chickletts because, well, c’mon, that’s what they look like from the upper deck.

And finally (and I’m sure this has already been finalized), home plate will be sponsored by, of course, American Express. After all, you “don’t leave home without it.”

Darren Marlar is a stand-up comedian specializing in clean comedy.  He welcomes your comments through his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.

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