Back to School—at Last!

By Kathi Macias –

How many of you remember the ad where the father is skipping through the office supply store, joyfully tossing paper and pens and erasers into his basket, while his two dejected children shuffle along behind, looking like they just lost their best friend? The reason for the father’s glee? He’s buying supplies to send his little darlings back to school!

Any moms (or dads) out there who can relate? It’s been a long time since my kids lived at home; they have long-since moved on to establish their own families so they too can experience the fun and excitement of summer vacations from a parent’s point of view. (Sort of gives the term “payback” a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?)

Seriously, though, despite the fact that it’s been years (decades!) since I attended a PTA meeting or served as a room mother, I haven’t forgotten those LONG summer days when all my normal routines came to a screeching halt and I spent all my waking hours cooking frozen pizzas and zipping to the store to replace the ice cream supply. I felt as if I’d had a productive day if I had time to brush my teeth and zoom through the shower! Forget doing anything with my hair. It was just sort of…there.

I think it was sometime during my youngest child’s last couple of years before entering junior high that things changed—or, at least, I developed a new perspective on the entire issue. I only wish I’d figured it out sooner because this new perspective finally enabled me to enjoy the last few summers I had before my offspring flew the coop and I was left to contemplate the “empty nest syndrome” (not all of which is a bad thing, I might add!). Some of you may be at that place right now, looking much like the bouncing-with-joy father in the school supplies ad and rejoicing that you’ve survived (or very nearly so) yet another summer vacation with the kids home from school. If that describes where you are today, I hope this little poem that I wrote some twenty or more years ago will encourage you to treasure however many summers you have left with your children, as wild and exhausting as those brief seasons of life may be!

“Summer’s Gone”

Feet stuck to the floor from Popsicle drips,
Planning and packing for family trips;
So many dishes in the sink—
Must they use a clean glass for every drink?
I just can’t take much more of this noise!
Why can’t they ever pick up their toys?
The slamming door, the ringing phone—
If only I could be alone!

Then suddenly it’s time for school;
No more beach or swimming pool.
Off they go, down the street,
Sounds of laughter and running feet.
A sigh of relief… but wait! What’s this?
A tear in my eye as I blow them a kiss!
Oh, Lord, it seemed to go so fast.
These special times just never last.

Teach me, Father, to value each day,
To live, to love, to laugh…to play.

Kathi Macias (www.kathimacias.com; http://kathieasywritermacias.blogspot.com) is an “occasional radio show host” (www.blogtalkradio.com/communicatethevision) and an award-winning author of more than thirty books, including her September 2010 release from Abingdon Press, Valeria’s Cross.

Command Performance

By Emily Parke Chase –

Having dogs was a big part of my childhood. Tara, our sheepdog, for example, followed our family to church one Sunday, jumped in the sanctuary window and then trotted down the aisle searching for my father who was also the pastor of the church. Read more

Bark and Bark and Grrr

By Jodi Whisenhunt –

The toilet leaked and damaged the vinyl flooring. Handyman John showed up on Day 1 to assess the situation. Ding-ding-dong went the bell and bark-bark-grrr went my dog. So John introduced himself to Jojo. She sniffed and licked and jumped around while wagging her nubby, as if to say, “He’s safe.” Read more

Dog Days and Other Summer Myths

By Kathi Macias –

Like any kid, when I was young I couldn’t wait for school to end and summer to begin. Ah, those long, warm, lazy days! I started counting down to their arrival along about the first of May. By the time the last day of school finally showed up, I could barely get through until that final bell. Read more

The Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing but the Tooth…

By Darren Marlar –

I’ve always wondered… what exactly does the tooth fairy do with all of the teeth she collects?

What possible reason would there be for a fairy to go into the tooth-hauling business in the first place? If you think about it, she has to be selling the baby teeth of children on some kind of child tooth enamel black market. After all, we don’t see “Children’s Teeth” on store shelves or under the counter at pharmacies around the world – so they have to be going somewhere else.

First you must ask yourself where does all of the money come from that the Tooth Fairy leaves for the teeth? The repulsive idea of carrying around saliva-encrusted canines, molars, and bicuspids from the mouths of millions of children around the world must somehow be lessened by the financial reward the Tooth Fairy is able to obtain from turning in the teeth to some underground organization possibly led by a tooth godfather.

The Molar Mafia (which I can only assume exists, as I have no definitive proof), must then have quite a list of buyers. What happens to the teeth at that point is anybody’s guess, but I do have a theory. The Molar Mafia pays a handsome price for the teeth collected – and children of the world only see a small percentage of that.

Have you noticed that the pricing of teeth changes from year to year, generation to generation, and even tooth to tooth? Think about it. Sometimes a tooth earns the child a quarter. Sometimes a half dollar. Some fortunate children may receive a dollar or more for the tooth that is placed under their pillows at night. This can only be due to market fluctuations and possibly DNA testing of the individual teeth to determine their quality and value. This probably also explains why the Tooth Fairy works in the dead of night while everyone is asleep, as it takes time to do all of the necessary tests and experiments on the tooth to determine its value so the Tooth Fairy can then properly reimburse the child for their contribution. We’ll not even go into the possibility of children having gold or silver fillings, as it is blatantly obvious why a Tooth Fairy would be interested in such a rare find.

Regardless of condition, the tooth is taken 100% of the time. What is left, due to the nature of business with supply and demand, is only a percentage of what that tooth is truly worth. My guess is the child gets, at the most, 10% of what it’s worth to the Tooth Fairy. So at twenty-five cents for the child, I’m guessing the Tooth Fairy actually turns the individual tooth over to the Molar Mafia for close to $2.50; quite a profitable business for the Tooth Fairy, considering the billions of children around the world who lose their teeth as they approach their teen years.

Of course, the Molar Mafia is not going to pay that much unless it too has buyers. And as with all underground operations, a healthy profit is to be made by the Molar Mafia… that’s a given. So somewhere out there is another organization willing to pay, perhaps, $5.00 per tooth or more!

Mind-blowing, isn’t it? So the question now is, who on earth would pay $5.00 or more for a single tooth?

Which brings us to the makers of dentures…

Darren Marlar is a stand-up comedian specializing in clean corporate events.  To have Darren Marlar as part of your next event, visit his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.

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