Welcome To Perry, Illinois… Population: 12

By Darren Marlar

I was on my way home from a comedy gig in southern Illinois when my GPS suddenly lost power. I had no idea how much I relied on “Imogene” until she abruptly decided to give me the silent treatment. (I named my GPS Imogene because that’s my mother-in-law’s name and she also likes to tell me where to go.)

I was stuck with a farmer’s soybean field on one side of me, and on the other side… uh… oh, look at that… more soybeans! I looked for a map, or an atlas. Nothing. I pulled out my laptop computer to log on to MapQuest… still nothing. Apparently soybean farmers don’t have much of a need to set up Wi-Fi for their tractors and silos. Sure, the horses, cows, and chickens would probably love visiting websites about animals, but without opposable thumbs, it’d be difficult to type “w-w-w-dot-my-animal-genealogy-dot-com.”

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My Phone Is Way Cooler Than Your Phone…

By Darren Marlar

So, you’re excited about getting that new super-thin cell phone that takes photos and holds 100 songs, are you? Oh puh-leeze… that is SO mid-March, 2009. I’m guessing your family also plays games on giant cardboard squares with dice and tiny pieces of plastic you have to move by hand. How positively ancient!

The newest cell phones allow you to watch American Idol or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. TV phones are everywhere. In fact, Samsung is working feverishly on an even more futuristic cell phone that can, “feel, think… and reproduce” and have “artificial chromosomes.” (I’m suddenly feeling very uncomfortable about doing or saying anything in the vicinity of my ultra-modern cell phone. Still though, I must keep it – otherwise, how would people know that I’m still cool?)

Of course, cell phones are just one aspect of our lives where we feel the need to continually upgrade, refine, add-to, etc. But it doesn’t stop there. When’s the last time you shaved using a razor with less than three blades without feeling like you’ve slighted yourself from getting the closest shave possible? I’m guessing that some time in the next six years we’ll have a ten blade razor called “The Decathalon” which will shave you so close that a doctor will be required to be on stand-by with an I.V. and blood bag – just in case. 

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New International Version New Again?

According to a news story I just read, the top-selling Bible in North America will undergo its first revision in over thirty years, modernizing the language in some sections and promising to reopen a contentious debate about changing gender terms in the sacred text.

The New International Version of the Bible will be revised to reflect changes in English usage and advances in Biblical scholarship.  The revision is scheduled to be completed late next year and published in 2011.  The NIV was first published in 1978 and more than 300 million NIV Bibles are in print worldwide; its publishers and distributors say the translation accounts for 30 percent of Bibles sold in North America. 

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Common Cents

By Darren Marlar –

Recently Coinstar allowed the American public to give their thoughts on what should happen to the U.S. penny.

For a lot of us, the penny is nothing but a nuisance. For others though (two thirds of those surveyed), Uncle Sam should keep the copper coin in circulation. The survey also found that most people would stop to pick up ole’ Abe if we saw him on the ground looking up at us (84 percent of women and 74 percent of men).

But really, we can’t get rid of the penny. Society would crumble. Think about it. What about penny loafers? They’d cease to exist. And penny arcades are already gone forever!

You could never get paid a “Penny for your thoughts.” You’d have to share your opinions for free.

People would have no need for a savings account, because “a penny saved is a penny earned” would be completely meaningless.

You’d spend money without thinking about it because you could no longer be a “penny-pincher.”

What about “See a penny, pick it up, all the day you’ll have good luck”? You’d have to move it up to a nickel or dime – meaning good luck would suddenly be five to ten times more expensive.

Speaking of inflation, making a wish in a fountain would cost a lot more too.  And how do you tell a waitress that she gave you lousy service if you don’t have a penny to put on the table face down?

Of course, this is just my two cents on the issue. Take it now, because if the penny does disappear, I’d have to give you a nickel’s worth of advice, and I don’t have enough bandwidth for that.

Slightly Irregular

By Darren Marlar –

Hey, congratulate me… I just turned forty! (Two years ago.)

They say life begins at forty. Turns out they lied. As soon as I turned forty I started losing my hair (finding it on my butt).

I’m near-sighted and far-sighted. I’ve got eyebrows that look like tree branches. I have psoriasis on my cheeks (both sets). I’ve got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, irritable bowel syndrome, a toenail that looks like a Frito…

And my friends wonder why I get cranky? Really? How can you not be in a bad mood with irritable bowel syndrome? It’s right there in the name!

“How are you feeling?”

“Irritable!”

I’m both near-sighted and far-sighted. That means I can’t see things far away and I can’t see things up close. Isn’t that just blind? If you want to have a face-to-face conversation with me you have to be exactly three paces away.

As for losing my hair, I don’t think they should call it hair loss. That kinda makes it sound like it’s your fault that it’s gone, doesn’t it? Like somehow you’ve misplaced it? “Honey – have you seen my hair?! Well, it was right here on the back of the toilet lid!”

I see TV commercials promising a full head of hair – but then I see the side effects. Bad breath, body odor, tongue fungus. I saw this TV commercial that said, “Is Benephyne right for you? Ask your doctor.” But they didn’t say what Benephyne was for. It MIGHT be for hair loss, but it might be for excessive belly-button lint or elephantitis of the arm pits.

So I was at the doctor’s office and I asked, “Is Benaphyne right for me?”

“Well, Darren,” he said, “that’d be a question for your gynecologist.” So I have an appointment next Tuesday.

My mom says I’m “slightly irregular.” What she means is I’m not perfect. I wish she’d just say “not perfect,” because “slightly irregular” makes it sound like you’ve got a colon problem. Slightly irregular sounds like you’re seventy-percent off on the clearance rack.

But we’re all slightly irregular… and still, God has a plan for you anyway. We tend to think of ourselves as puzzle pieces: irregularly shaped with odd markings. Some of us, such as myself, are morbidly obese puzzle pieces. Painted pale. (If I was any whiter I’d be clear.) Puzzle pieces with no perceivable talents other than making people laugh and patronizing restaurants with all-you-can-eat buffets.

Others are smaller pieces, with different attributes, skills, and talents. But we are all equally important to completing the puzzle. No matter what the picture on the puzzle, the entire thing is worthless if even a single piece is missing, right?

God takes us, in the exact form we are, places us into the puzzle, and it turns out we aren’t slightly irregular. We’re perfectly irregular! We fit exactly into the hole God placed us in. We were perfectly shaped after all!

In fact, no other person who ever lived before you or who will ever live after you can fill that hole in the universe as perfectly as YOU can. That’s why God created YOU. He loves YOU that much. YOU are that important to HIS ultimate plan.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb… Before you were born I set you apart.” Do you know what that means? Even before you were conceived, God knew one day you’d be slightly irregular! He knew you would eventually become torn, ripped, ruffled and stained. But His stains cover yours, making you brand NEW.

And that’s something to remember the next time you feel out of place or useless. Or the next time you’re doing a puzzle. Or the next time your mother calls you names.

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