The Wife Has a New Tattoo

By Darren Marlar 

My wife was gone for two weeks visiting family and friends – she finally got back home late last night.  We spent the day together today and she told me that she’d brought something back home with her from Kansas City.

I asked, “Is it catching?”

She didn’t find that question near as funny as I did.  Maybe I’m losing my perfect sense of comedic timing.  What did she bring home?  A tattoo.  A little heart on her hip.  It’s her first one… and hopefully her last. 

Robin has wanted a tattoo for years and she’s never gotten one mostly because I’ve been dead set against it from the start.  I think tattoos are stupid and ugly.  If you want a tattoo, that’s fine – but don’t expect me to be cheery about it.

My biggest problem is that most people who get tattoos, while they say they don’t care what others think (and that’s one reason why they supposedly get tattoos), actually care very much what others think.  Otherwise, why would they ask you, “Hey, how do you like my new tattoo?”  That really irks me.  It’s like someone asking if you think their baby is cute – and you notice the baby has gills.  How do you graciously tell someone that their baby looks like a flounder?  You can’t.  You have to find something about the baby you can compliment like, “Oh, look at those big beautiful eyes (on the side of her head)”.  Or you just say something that’s open to interpretation like, “Now THAT’S a baby!”  That way the parents think you’ve given a compliment while your sense of morality and ethics can remain loosely intact.

For me, the same goes for tattoos.  The instant someone asks, “How do you like my new tattoo” what can you say?  It’s permanent – just like a baby.  You can’t tell that person, “Gee, I think I liked you better without Jake and Elwood tattooed over your nostrils.”  There’s no going back for that person.  And once that person asks your opinion, they are then stuck for the rest of their lives with whatever answer you give them.  So imagine my horror when my bride lowers the waist of her pants to show me the black outline of a heart on her hip.  “Hey, baby – what do you think?”

I answered with the first thing that came to mind.  “Now THAT’S a tattoo!”

***Darren Marlar is standup comedian, and a Christian.  Check out his website for his blog, comedy clips, videos, and more.  He also welcomes your comments.  http://www.DarrenMarlar.com ***