Common Cents

July 27, 2011 by  
Filed under Humor, Stories

By Darren Marlar –

Recently Coinstar allowed the American public to give their thoughts on what should happen to the U.S. penny.

For a lot of us, the penny is nothing but a nuisance. For others though (two thirds of those surveyed), Uncle Sam should keep the copper coin in circulation. The survey also found that most people would stop to pick up ole’ Abe if we saw him on the ground looking up at us (84 percent of women and 74 percent of men).

But really, we can’t get rid of the penny. Society would crumble. Think about it. What about penny loafers? They’d cease to exist. And penny arcades are already gone forever!

You could never get paid a “Penny for your thoughts.” You’d have to share your opinions for free.

People would have no need for a savings account, because “a penny saved is a penny earned” would be completely meaningless.

You’d spend money without thinking about it because you could no longer be a “penny-pincher.”

What about “See a penny, pick it up, all the day you’ll have good luck”? You’d have to move it up to a nickel or dime – meaning good luck would suddenly be five to ten times more expensive.

Speaking of inflation, making a wish in a fountain would cost a lot more too.  And how do you tell a waitress that she gave you lousy service if you don’t have a penny to put on the table face down?

Of course, this is just my two cents on the issue. Take it now, because if the penny does disappear, I’d have to give you a nickel’s worth of advice, and I don’t have enough bandwidth for that.

About Darren Marlar

Darren Marlar is a full-time comedian, actor, husband and Christian. You can learn more about his stand-up comedy, hear “Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News” (aired on radio stations around the U.S. and Canada), see what he’s up to with television, film and theatre, check his comedy dates, sign up for his email newsletter, keep up with him on Facebook and Twitter and more at

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