Slightly Irregular

June 15, 2011 by  
Filed under Humor, Stories

By Darren Marlar –

Hey, congratulate me… I just turned forty! (Two years ago.)

They say life begins at forty. Turns out they lied. As soon as I turned forty I started losing my hair (finding it on my butt).

I’m near-sighted and far-sighted. I’ve got eyebrows that look like tree branches. I have psoriasis on my cheeks (both sets). I’ve got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, irritable bowel syndrome, a toenail that looks like a Frito…

And my friends wonder why I get cranky? Really? How can you not be in a bad mood with irritable bowel syndrome? It’s right there in the name!

“How are you feeling?”


I’m both near-sighted and far-sighted. That means I can’t see things far away and I can’t see things up close. Isn’t that just blind? If you want to have a face-to-face conversation with me you have to be exactly three paces away.

As for losing my hair, I don’t think they should call it hair loss. That kinda makes it sound like it’s your fault that it’s gone, doesn’t it? Like somehow you’ve misplaced it? “Honey – have you seen my hair?! Well, it was right here on the back of the toilet lid!”

I see TV commercials promising a full head of hair – but then I see the side effects. Bad breath, body odor, tongue fungus. I saw this TV commercial that said, “Is Benephyne right for you? Ask your doctor.” But they didn’t say what Benephyne was for. It MIGHT be for hair loss, but it might be for excessive belly-button lint or elephantitis of the arm pits.

So I was at the doctor’s office and I asked, “Is Benaphyne right for me?”

“Well, Darren,” he said, “that’d be a question for your gynecologist.” So I have an appointment next Tuesday.

My mom says I’m “slightly irregular.” What she means is I’m not perfect. I wish she’d just say “not perfect,” because “slightly irregular” makes it sound like you’ve got a colon problem. Slightly irregular sounds like you’re seventy-percent off on the clearance rack.

But we’re all slightly irregular… and still, God has a plan for you anyway. We tend to think of ourselves as puzzle pieces: irregularly shaped with odd markings. Some of us, such as myself, are morbidly obese puzzle pieces. Painted pale. (If I was any whiter I’d be clear.) Puzzle pieces with no perceivable talents other than making people laugh and patronizing restaurants with all-you-can-eat buffets.

Others are smaller pieces, with different attributes, skills, and talents. But we are all equally important to completing the puzzle. No matter what the picture on the puzzle, the entire thing is worthless if even a single piece is missing, right?

God takes us, in the exact form we are, places us into the puzzle, and it turns out we aren’t slightly irregular. We’re perfectly irregular! We fit exactly into the hole God placed us in. We were perfectly shaped after all!

In fact, no other person who ever lived before you or who will ever live after you can fill that hole in the universe as perfectly as YOU can. That’s why God created YOU. He loves YOU that much. YOU are that important to HIS ultimate plan.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb… Before you were born I set you apart.” Do you know what that means? Even before you were conceived, God knew one day you’d be slightly irregular! He knew you would eventually become torn, ripped, ruffled and stained. But His stains cover yours, making you brand NEW.

And that’s something to remember the next time you feel out of place or useless. Or the next time you’re doing a puzzle. Or the next time your mother calls you names.

About Darren Marlar

Darren Marlar is a full-time comedian, actor, husband and Christian. You can learn more about his stand-up comedy, hear “Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News” (aired on radio stations around the U.S. and Canada), see what he’s up to with television, film and theatre, check his comedy dates, sign up for his email newsletter, keep up with him on Facebook and Twitter and more at


One Response to “Slightly Irregular”
  1. Hally Franz says:

    I feel the pain of growing older; however, one benefit is that we gain wisdom, which is obvious in your article. Very funny and perfectly correct!
    Thanks, Darren!

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