Wayward Disposition: Emotions on the Loose

July 6, 2010 by  
Filed under Christian Life, For Her

By Lori Freeland –

Sometimes my emotions hold me hostage—buckle me into a rollercoaster I don’t wish to ride. Moods throw me up and down—along tight twists and turns. Feelings muffle my ears and distort my conversations. Attitude colors each thought, taints every action, until I am out of control.In my early twenties, before kids and slightly after marriage, my husband and I drove cross-country from Indiana to California. On the drive, he turned to me and asked, “Why don’t you love me the way I want you to?”

I knew exactly what he meant. Over the years, numbness had seeped in, over and around, encasing my emotions in a sheath of blankets that sheltered and protected me.

I crossed my legs and leaned against the window. “My heart is wrapped in blankets.”

“Unwrap them.” His eyes held a strange mixture of emotion as he turned them back to the road.

Looking out the window, I shook my head. “Not that easy.”

The blankets began piling on the day my dad walked out on us—a subtle imprisonment like the proverbial frog boiling in the water, peacefully shutting out the world as he unknowingly slips peacefully into death. Until my husband posed the question, I hadn’t even realized how sedated I’d become. His plea gave question to my zombie walk through life. Did I want to feel? Could I take the pain that would accompany the pleasure?

By the time we arrived in L.A., I wanted my feelings back. The blankets were binding, suffocating and isolating. The price for protection was too high and I begged God to strip away my insulation and over the next year, He did.

But life is hard and sometimes ugly. I have my emotions back—yet they control me, not the other way around and there are days I scavenge for my blankets.

Days like today.

I forage in the pantry or the fridge, search for distraction inside the binding of books or across the TV screen. I hunt on the radio, flipping channels, cranking up the volume in the car.

When will my rollercoaster pull into the platform so I can stop swinging from one extreme to the next?  There is a fine line between feeling nothing and feeling everything and I seem to be one extreme or the other.

Then God whispers scripture in my heart, “Jesus is your strong tower. Run to Him.”

But how?

He whispers again,“Take every thought captive.”

I understand. Jesus can protect my vulnerable heart, speak truth into the lies, and temper my emotions.

If I let Him.

And taking every thought captive means just that. Grab it, wrap it, hand it off to the Lord, before it gets out of control.

I make a plan—I will walk my day with Him. Quiet time in the morning helps me begin my day in peace, with my hand in His. Committing scripture to memory gives me a weapon against my wayward emotions running out of control. In the moments I’m overwhelmed, or find myself wishing for those blankets, I freeze, picture Jesus on His throne, me at his feet. I hand over my life—again and again if necessary, until it becomes habit to run to Him first.

It turns out the answer is not found amongst the insulating blankets or on the untamed rollercoaster. Trusting in Jesus daily fixes me firmly where I need to tread. He is my strong tower.

I just need to remind myself I only have need of Him.

About Lori Freeland

Lori Karvasale Freeland is a freelance writer from Plano, Texas. She holds a BA degree in psychology from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, which comes in handy in homeschooling three children. After surviving a long journey through pediatric cancer with her oldest son, she has a heart for women struggling in crisis situations. When she is not working on her first novel, she can be reached at lafreeland@hotmail.com. Visit her new blog at http://lafreeland.wordpress.com/

Comments

One Response to “Wayward Disposition: Emotions on the Loose”
  1. Roxanne Reese says:

    Lori –

    Thank you so much for your story; it really hit home for me.

    My father also walked out on us when I was eight. Since that day I have piled up my share of blankets in the form of abandonment issues. Some days I still feel like that little eight year old girl standing in the front living room window crying and wondering what I did to make my daddy leave.

    I know that I didn’t do anything to cause his leaving, but the feeling of abandonment is still there 40 years later. I still fight the fear of being abandoned by those I love.

    I too still hide beneath my blankets. I too have to remind myself every single day that God will never abandon me. I will always be safe, secure, strong and unconditionally loved in His arms.

Speak Your Mind

Tell us what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!



6 × = 24